January 28th, 2022
Life should be perfect…at-least thats what I imagined a few years ago when my current career status was still a dream. Unfortunately, airport terminals aren’t gateways to mental health and your problems follow even when you don’t pack them.
This tour has been great and it really kept my problems hidden behind curtains that can be easily ignored. But what happens when the lights go out, the fans go home and no one is screaming your name? Well…that’s where we are.
As I stare at a blank page unable to lyrically explain how I feel because I’ve never felt this before. Every thing seems to be crumbling. My new job is decent, but I feel out of place. I spilled my heart into OMW, but I feel like I’m not good enough. Grandma is not doing well, and you need to go home to see her.
It’s 3am, where can I go? I’m stuck inside this apartment with these thoughts screaming at me “It’s time to face the music, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” This voice has been dissonant for a few years but tonight for the first we’re in perfect harmony. With that I was able to write out how I felt, as I sat on the edge of my bathtub, balling, writing what would be my final track.
I don’t know if it was the alcohol or God but something made me pick up the phone and call a co-worker. What’s this going to do? I barely know anyone there why would they care? This is embarrassing, I hope I don’t regret this.
“Hello? Hey I’m so sorry to do this but you said if I ever needed anything to call you. I don’t know if you meant that, but I need it.”
Though life wasn’t perfect, it was slowly getting better. Unfortunately, a week later grandma passed away and things felt weird for a while. I would continue to pursue the girl convinced she just didn’t see what I did. I considered suicide 16 more times, oddly this was necessary as it forced me to think WHY I felt that way and get to the root of my problems.
August 2022,
For 31 days I had separated myself from all distractions, deleted social media, quite going out, and changed my number. I’m needed to focus. Within the first 2 weeks I had written and produced an entire EP. I called up my homie Ryan who was the first person to ever record me and produced my first release back in 2014. No studios, no budgeted music videos, just me in my apartment. I figured that in order to get back to who I was and why I’m here I had to go back to the beginning.
I had to get back to The Things I Know.
The clown masks his pain with silly costumes disguised as composure when everyone appears to be watching.
But then looses it all when the crowds go home and he’s left with his thoughts.